Why white people can't say the "N" word.

Here is an article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/abiola-abrams/i-just-dont-understand-why-white-people-want-to-use-the-n-word_b_6889272.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000047

Here are my thoughts: If you know me personally, or read my "Racism 101" piece back in August when the catalytic death of Michael Brown occurred, or even just have the insight required to extrapolate based on things I have written here, you probably know already that I believe ******strongly****** that white people should never, under any circumstances, use the "N" word. Ever.

I repeat: never.

Now, some people may disagree. I do know some black or biracial people who don't really care about this word, who figure it's just a word and that it loses its power when we pay it no mind. That's fine. But if white people want a piece of sound advice, I'd say: err on the safe side. Don't assume most black people feel that way and are cool with you using it. Even if a black friend once gave you "permission" to use it because you're such a "cool white person"….just don't. For the record, a cool white person is someone who respects differences, is mindful of boundaries, and doesn't feel the need to co-opt other cultures.

My thought is: words are powerful. And this is not a word that has ever entered my vocabulary, and I don't want it to. I don't want to give it any chance to take root in my mind. I never want it to be a word I reach lazily for in a thoughtless moment. I make an effort to be careful with my words, and this is one word in particular I think should be handled with care. I would rather die than have someone I love even hear it fall from my lips during a drunken dance party to some Biggie or OutKast song. Even if they wouldn't care. Even if they know my heart and wouldn't think twice. I would care. Because it's not okay.

Here's why: due to its historical context, this word is one of the ugliest - if not THE ugliest- word(s) in the English language. And of course, I'm talking about the word in its original form, ending with "er". But in my opinion, anytime it is emitted from a white mouth it has the potential to sound like a slur. Because it's not our word. It doesn't sound right. It sounds ugly. Despite the satisfying mouthfeel in the moment when you're singing along with your favorite rap song, the word itself is laden with history and it falls heavy from the lips. Swallow it. Skip it. We may feel entitled to many things, and America teaches us that we are, but I promise you we are not entitled to that word.

That said, while some may think this is strange, or find it surprising or even incongruent, I am completely fine with the reappropriated ("a") version used by black people amongst themselves. I don't find it offensive, I don't think it's a slur in this context, and I get why people use it.

That said, I understand why a lot of black people *are* offended by it, as well, so I'm not exactly saying I think it's good. I'm just saying I understand the history behind it, and I personally don't think I have the right to have a strong opinion on whether black people should use it or not. It's really just not my word, and I respect that.

My point in all of this is just to say: I don't understand why there is even a question of
"Why can't white people say it?"
"If black people can say it, why can't we?"
"If they don't want us saying it, why is in all the rap music?"

The answer is: because history. Because racism. Because no. Because fuck you.

Because we don't get everything. This is like, the one thing we can't have, and frankly, that seems fair.

"We know who you are by the words you speak. You identify yourself with the venom or honey that drips from your lips."

BE A RACIST OR DON'T.

CONTEXT: I've been thinking about this question a lot, so I reached out to one of my trusted advisors, my friend Justin. (here he is: that's his profile picture right now on FB. I didn't even have to ask him to put that shirt on).

He's constantly asking challenging questions on social media, often regarding race/racism/privilege, and is always down for a difficult ethical/philosophical exercise like the one I presented him with tonight…all via Facebook Messenger. (You'd be surprised how many intense intellectual conversations I engage in via FB Messenger). 

This is an unedited transcript of that conversation. 

****************

Amy: serious note: (and if you don't feel like addressing it right now, you don't have to) 

did you ever come up with a suitable answer to the question we talked about a while back: 

"Can you be racist and still be a good person"? 

for some reason i've been thinking about that question a lot. it's been bothering me that i don't have a definitive answer, or i'm afraid to make a judgment on this because of what the trickle down effect will be. in my heart i think the answer is no, but that would relegate a lot of people who might otherwise be good people into a new category. again. don't feel like you have to go there if you're not feeling up to it. but i've had this conversation with you and my dad and a handful of other people whose opinions i respect and everyone goes…"hmmm. i don't know. that's a good question.”

a colleague sent me this article today. it's heavy. it got me thinking about it again because at some point, the perpetrators of this horrible crime were described by people in their lives as "good". 

http://www.npr.org/blogs/codeswitch/2015/02/12/385777366/a-black-mississippi-judges-breathtaking-speech-to-three-white-murderers

Justin: hmmm. i don't know. that's a good question.

Just playing

Amy: ha!

it IS a good question.

because it's the worst question.

because it shouldn't even be a fucking question.

Justin: Ummmmm.... it really really really is a difficult question to answer though. Gut and heart scream no, because such a big part of me is just the complete inverse of a racist person. And because I've personally felt the punch to the gut that racism deals. And because racism forces me to walk around in constant fear of what is waiting out there for my son when he's old enough to step outside alone. It's hard to picture a person that's full of THAT stuff being anything but a bad person.

Amy: so…no?

Justin: But... then brain kicks in, and I start to think about the way racism works. It's not always exactly a choice. It's not always a conscious decision. Sometimes it's handed down from parents. Sometimes its born of ignorance (in the literal sense). I'm pretty sure that I've met and talked to racist people who left our conversations a little less racist. I'm sure that on at least one occasion, I've started some momentum that might have even caused a racist person to ummm... become a not racist person. I don't think THOSE people are necessarily bad. Like, if you grew up in a town of 600 and all you knew about black people are the urban legends that bounced around town and you left that town a racist, that's not really your fault. I don't think you become a bad person until you plant your feet and refuse to understand what's wrong with that and make the decision not to fix it.

Justin: If that makes any sense... it was just a stream of consciousness and I was trying to work it out in my head as I typed it.

Amy: yeah that makes perfect sense.

it's kind of my sticking point too. like, if it's CONSCIOUS and HATEFUL, you're a shitty person. if you just don't know better, maybe you're a good person who  believes harmful untruths but not out of malice, just ignorance.

but then i think: how do you absorb ridiculous shit like the idea that somebody's skin makes them that much different (worse) than you? like, how do you not say, HMMMM WAIT A MINUTE THAT SEEMS FISHY

Justin: Yeah. That exactly. I think you BECOME a bad person when you make the decision to remain racist when you could make the decision not to.

LOL!

Well, you know, it's just one of those things.  A lot of black people think all white people are racist, until they meet an Amy Miller.


Amy: well and THAT is sad and ridiculous too, right? like, are white people really that fucking lazy?

because it's just laziness.

Justin: Then you can say "Wow, there are some really cool whiteys out there" or you can say "She's racist too! because she's white and all white people are racist!"

Amy: i wouldn't even be mad at you if you felt the latter was more accurate.

but i would be sad.

Justin: Absolutely sad and ridiculous. And I've been lucky enough to expand my horizons and meet some white people that destroyed my preconceived notions about white people. Like you, and Ralph. But if you go talk to 25 year old Justin, and I'm probably not that big of a fan of white people. But if you look at pretty much ALL of my interactions with white people, and add to that the things that we grow up hearing about white people(some fact, some fiction), it's easy to understand why.

Justin: The white version of THAT^ is a racist.

Amy: you are merely exercising race-based prejudice!

TOTALLY DIFFERENT

Justin: Because I don't have access to the power needed to make it racism and I never will.


Amy: i don't get offended by black people having negative views about white people. i just always make sure that i am being the best version of me (individual) as i can while also recognizing that to some extent it will reflect on white people.
so if i am not an asshole, it at least suggests that other white people may not be racist assholes.

Justin: I don't think you should be offended, because honestly we kinda earned the right to not like you lol...


Amy: absolutely.

which is why i get irritated when white people are like, that's reverse racist.

i'm like STFU

because white people have historically been TERRIBLE FUCKING PEOPLE

Justin: BUT, the thing is, whether we earned it or not, the best thing for ALL of us is to take a second and see what you're all about. Because then we find that we have a TREMENDOUS ally in you.

Amy: so give black people a minute to get used to the idea that maybe we aren't all that terrible.

similarly though, racism is dismantled via positive interactions, like what you said earlier about people walking away from you being maybe slightly less racist.

Justin: I don't think that's too different than the crossroads that a racist of the ignorant variety will reach at some point in their lives. You can choose to remain ignorant and stay racist.. or you can choose to throw all that junk away and not be a racist.

Amy: in scenario A you're a bad person. in scenario B you're a good person.

Justin: Exactamundo.

Amy: YOU DECIDE

we should make a PSA

Justin: LMAO!

Amy: BAD PEOPLE GO TO HELL, YOU GUYS

so….

Justin: We should. That would be a cool way to explain it.

Amy: not the weird religious version.

Justin: YOUR CHOICE. BE A RACIST OR DON'T.